80/20 People

• Most of us stay in touch with a lot of people, but only 20% of these people add 80% of value in life
• Spend more time with these 20%, and be more vested into them
• There is no reason to keep talking to someone who doesn't add value to your life, or won't do so in the foreseeable future. Stop texting and talking to these people.
• If you were dealing with something difficult, who would you wish were there with you? Reciprocate more with these people.

• Don't text these 80% of people just to "stay in touch". There's no point. (You don't need to stay in touch with the 80% to meet social obligations or fill your extroversion needs.)
• If on social media, stop consuming updates from the 80%. Again, you'd rather consume content from (a) the 20%, and (b) the people you admire
• Use your way around your interests and love language when spending time with the 20%. If you like quality time, create plans to spend quality time with these people, and so on.
• Minimize time spent with people who don't make you happy. Cancel, avoid, change circumstances

On first read, a lot of these thoughts are obvious. Of course you should stop spending time with people who make you unhappy. But looking back over the last 5 years, I did a pretty bad job at "80/20'ing" my relationships.

In practice it's hard to forecast who'll be around in your life a few years from now. If you move to a different city or country, the people you spend most time with will change drastically. And staying in touch with people from your past is easier said than done. People come and go, new relationships strengthen and older ones weaken.

What has helped me is having a mental list of 5-10 people that I think would nourish my life the longer I stay in touch with them. And then - most importantly - committing to spend time with them at some point in the next 12 months. Making non-refundable bookings works surprisingly well as a commitment that's hard to back out of.

I was 20 when I wrote that entry. It's a bit harsh about cutting contact with people; I don't agree with that now. But I do agree that a long tail of our happiness around people comes from just a few people in our life. Looking back, I wish I spent more time with those people.

Written by Aryan Bhasin