Bad listeners listen to you talk and immediately follow it up with their own thoughts on that topic. In their head, they're constantly trying to "link" what you're saying to their own experiences and opinions.
Terrible listeners take this one step further. They're waiting for you to finish, so they can talk about whatever's inside their head, at that moment. Doesn't matter if it's related to what you were saying.
Good listeners don't care about their own thoughts on the topic. They're just interested in yours.
Here's how each of these might respond to you saying, "my favorite place on Earth is Greece":
- Bad listener: "Oh really! Mine is Indonesia"
- Terrible listener: "Oh really! I went to Greece 5 years ago. Did I tell you about that one island..."
- Good listener: "Oh really! Why?"
Bad listeners are "takers", like a mosquito using your conversational spark to kindle their own. Good listeners are "givers". They make you feel better coming off of the conversation.
If you've been told you're a bad listener and want to force yourself to try the other extreme, here's my recommendation: go to italki.com and pay $10 for an hour of a language learning lesson. This will sound unconventional, but it works, and here's how.
Pick a language you barely speak but can understand with hand gestures and intonations, like Italian or Dutch. Go into the lesson, and tell the teacher you want to practice conversation.
Before you begin, learn the vocabulary for asking qualifying questions. Some examples are: "why", "what did you like more", "how did that feel", "what is your favorite...". Don't learn the vocabulary for openers like "where", "when", "what" – questions starting with these words can be answered in under a sentence.
Next comes the fun part: trying to keep your teacher talking for an hour! When you're speaking in a foreign language, you'll notice it's much easier to ask a question than answer it. You'll often find yourself actively avoiding the latter. If you ask your teacher "what's your favorite place on Earth" and they reply with "Greece", it'll be much easier to say "why" than go through the pains of past tense conjugation to say "I went to Greece 5 years ago". Do this for an hour and you'll realize you've been the 'listener' in the conversation 80% of the time.
Why go through the hassle of a foreign language class? If you want to erase a habit and really force yourself to listen more than you talk, you need to make yourself incapable of talking too much. Foreign languages are great for that. With a clean slate, you can learn what words and questions get people to talk for hours with minimal effort. And in the beginning you're incentivized to talk less and listen more – it's less painful.
I've been doing this for many months now and I'm shocked how much it's contributed to my listening skills. It's helped me figure out how to ask better qualifying questions and how to "hold" a conversation in any language, without speaking it well.
This is now my single tip for anyone who wants to become a better listener in incredibly short timeframes. Invest in conversational language classes. Who knows, maybe you'll enjoy the challenges of language learning and kill two birds with one stone!
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Written by Aryan Bhasin